Joke of the day

[oscareltemblo]

1) A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you >at 80 miles per hour, sir." > > >The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps >your radar gun needs calibrating." > > >Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, >you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." > > >As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and >growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" > > >The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar >detector went off when it did." > > >As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector >unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn >it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" > > >The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your >seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." > > >The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off >when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back >pocket." > > >The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your >seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." > > >And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns >to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" > > >The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always >talk to you this way, Ma'am?" > > >I love this part.... > > >" Only when he's been drinking."

 

 

2) A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

 

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and Flirting with all the women.

 

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

 

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

 

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

 

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

 

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

 

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

 

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

 

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

 

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.

 

How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

 

Again Leroy said no.

 

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

 

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!

[Jonmalibuss]

the first one is good but the second one is down right hillarious

[packjh]

yea number 2 is hiliarous

[Mervz]

this is waaayyyy the wrong forum. Moving to OT!

[Z06 DREAMING]

yea number 2 is hiliarous

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[zippy]

the first one is good but the second one is down right hillarious    

 

 

 

 

[Woffski]

Now that is funny!!!!!

[AnAmerican Revolution]

I got ajoke for you all

 

So there is a fish in a pond looking at a fly and he says to himself "If that fly drops just 6 more inches I'll be able to jump up-get it and have a meal"....

 

Meanwhile there is a bear who is waching the fish who thinks to himself "Hey, if that fly drops just 6 inches the fish will jump and when the fish jumps, I'll grab the fish and have myself a meal".....

 

Then there was a cat sitting in a nearby tree watching all of this who said to himself "Well hey, if that fly drops 6 inches, the fish will jump and the bear will move to get the fish--all I have to do it pounce on the bear, distract him and take the fish and I'll have myself a meal"....

 

And sure enough everything goes according to plan--the fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps to get the fly, the bear jumps to get the fish and the cat is ready to pounce on the bear...

But the cat misses and lands in the pond where the fish once was....

 

And the moral of this story is???

A fly drops 6 inches and a **** gets all wet....

[tawss04]

Joke 1

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

 

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

 

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate accent), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch hike to the airport and barely caught his flight.

 

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

 

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

 

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.

 

 

 

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

 

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

 

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

 

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

 

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "Okay," and off they went.

 

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

 

 

 

Joke 2

3 old ladies where sitting on a park bench. Ethel, Marge and Bessie. Just then a flasher runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to the 3 ladies. Immediately Ethel has a stroke. Marge has a stroke also. But Bessie, being feeble and weak couldn't reach that far.

Joke 1

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

 

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

 

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

 

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=31&k=heart%20rate" onmouseover="window.status='heart rate'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">heart rate</a>. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

 

Joke 2

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

 

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

 

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

 

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

 

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

 

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"

 

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"

 

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

Edited September 15, 2005 by tawss04 (see edit history)

[Big O]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night

together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

 

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

 

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

 

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they

had condoms.

 

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter

and gave it to Donald.

 

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

 

"No!" Donald quacked,

 

"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

[desrtrat]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night

together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

 

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said "No."

 

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

 

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

 

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they

had condoms.

 

"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under the counter

and gave it to Donald.

 

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

 

"No!" Donald quacked,

 

"What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

 

 

best one yet......

 

[Stitches040]

One beautiful Sunday afternoon, a police officer was running radar on a lonely stretch of road. The cop had set up shop, behind a large billboard sign. All of sudden, a car goes flying by. The cop pulls out and pulls the guy over for speeding.

 

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Speeder: No.

Cop: I clocked you at 85mph in a 50mph zone. I'll be right back with you ticket.

 

A few minutes go by, and the cop returns with the speeding ticket in hand. The cop gave the speeder the ticket.

 

Speeder: Wow, $350.00 for speeding?

Cop: Yeah buddy, that is what you get for going so fast!!! I bet you'll have a hard time paying that? Probably have to get another job to help pay for it.

Speeder: Actually officer, no I won't! I have a great job.

Cop: Oh yeah, what do you do for work, that is so good, that you can pay this ticket off.

Speeder: Well you see, I'm a Rectum Stretcher!

Cop: A Rectum Stretcher? What the heck is that?

Speeder: You see, I stretch rectums. First, you take a normal rectum. You dip one finger in oil, and then you put into the rectum. You start to move you finger in a circuler motion. Every so often you start to pull the rectum apart further and further. You then keep adding oil, and another finger, more stretching, more oil, another finger, more stretching.... finally you can get a whole hand in, and then the other hand. More oil, more stretching..... and in the end you wind up with a six foot rectum.

Cop: (looking puzzled) Jesus Christ, what the hell do you do with a six foot A$$hole?

Speeder: You give him a radar gun, and stick him behind a bilboard on a Sunday afternoon!!!

 

Edited September 16, 2005 by Stitches040 (see edit history)

[ChevySSandChevy8.1]

Joke 1

 

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

 

Dear Sir;

 

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

 

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

 

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

 

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

 

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

 

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

 

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

 

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

 

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

 

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

 

Joke 2

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

 

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

 

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

 

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

 

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[Jonmalibuss]

YOU KNOW YOUR FROM SO-CAL IF.......

 

 

Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.

 

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.

 

You don't know anyone's phone number unless you check your cell

phone.

 

You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican.

 

You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you

know damn well that it'll take you at least an hour to get there (see

below).

 

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the

distance, takes about "twenty minutes".

 

You drive to your neighborhood block party.

 

In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the

same day.

 

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal.

 

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're

definitely driving.

 

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code.

 

You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states

because they don't have any.

 

You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll.

 

You really can never be too rich or too thin or too tan.

 

You've partied in Tijuana at least 3 times... You don't remember at

least 1 of them.

 

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.

 

You eat pineapple on pizza.

 

Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your

head.

 

You think that Venice is a beach.

 

The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.

 

You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is.

 

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would

never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second

class. Best area code: "714, 949." Nobody likes anyone from the "909,

951 " because it smells there.

 

You call 911 and they put you on hold.

 

You have a gym membership because it's mandatory.

 

The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday.

 

You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill".

It doesn't matter which side of the hill you are currently residing,

you are just better than them, for whatever reason.

 

You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a

McDonald's or a Starbucks.

 

You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean.

 

You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

 

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news

station:"STORM WATCH"

 

The Terminator is your governor.

 

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from

California.

[04CHASE]

i am guilty of alot of those, "storm watch 2005" you forgot the year!I drive to my friends house (7 doors down) lol. Or you can snowboard in a wife beater on certain days!The t.j. one comes with some scary memories also. Pot is illeagle here?

Edited September 16, 2005 by 04CHASE (see edit history)