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Letters to Santa


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I don't know if these are a repost or not, but this is pretty funny!




Dear Santa


I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,



Dear Billy,


Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I

send you a f**king book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving

your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!




Dear Santa,


I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.




Dear Teddy,


Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a


Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid Mom,

who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me

get you some nice LEGOs instead.




Dear Santa,


I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum

kit, a pony and a tuba.




Dear Francis,


Who names their kid Francis, nowadays? I bet you're gay.




Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for

your reindeer outside the back door.




Dear Susan,


Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face

when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me

a bottle of scotch.




Dear Santa,


What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,



Dear Thomas,


All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend

most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing

money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.




Dear Santa,


I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?





That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't

work with me. You're getting a sweater again.




Dearest Santa,


We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?






First, stop calling yourself Marky, that's why you're getting your ass

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent project. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the

burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,




Dear Santa,


I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace

and joy in the world for everybody!




Dear Sarah,


Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?


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