drako Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8pm. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!" The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!" The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing." The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife ?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WI_Dave Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misterp Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Those are all really good. ... The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"...You do know that 1 in 7 childred in the USA is illegitimate?! Mr. P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CaliChevyV8 Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Those were good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onyx_ss Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Hahaha Good Ones Onyx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dannyc_2006_SS Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Good ones Drako. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eamonnschevy Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 (edited) i laughed out loud at some of them... very good Edited December 15, 2006 by eamonnschevy (see edit history) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victorredss Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Funniest thing I've ever heard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tawss04 Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ldogss Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perk03z06 Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 I enjoyed 1 & 4. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Z4pp Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 Those are all really good.... The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"...You do know that 1 in 7 childred in the USA is illegitimate?! Mr. P. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Really? Whos your source? DNA Testing facility here I come! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
air force vm Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 I saw them before and they are funny. Love the one about the statue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jond983 Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 that's awesome stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 Those were great Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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