WI_Dave Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 The following statements are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: So the date of conception of the baby ws August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big O Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 lol .... nice Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSThunder Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 Good start to the weekend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireRescueSS Posted July 27, 2007 Report Share Posted July 27, 2007 "ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?" I kinda want the answer to that question, at least the reaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman31 Posted July 28, 2007 Report Share Posted July 28, 2007 :crackup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zanis520 Posted July 29, 2007 Report Share Posted July 29, 2007 LMAO damn some of those were great. i love how most of them were stupid lawyers though. this one is definitely my favorite though. "ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WI_Dave Posted July 30, 2007 Author Report Share Posted July 30, 2007 LMAO damn some of those were great. i love how most of them were stupid lawyers though. this one is definitely my favorite though. "ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral." Sounds like a blonde joke Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alternaklaus Posted July 31, 2007 Report Share Posted July 31, 2007 good ones. you hear these bizarre questions and wonder who would ask something so stupid. then you sit next to them in class and it becomes clear.. (#5) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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