shreveportSS Posted January 22, 2007 Report Share Posted January 22, 2007 Dear Alcohol, First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays, hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences: 1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. 2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time. 3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock. (And i know what my bathtub looks like i don't need a close up of it after falling off the pot, it's really hard to get outta there.) 4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership. Thank you, Your biggest fan P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon 5. Statistic THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing 6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out 7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night 8. Dance? No I shouldn't. I should just sit here on the barstool Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misterp Posted January 22, 2007 Report Share Posted January 22, 2007 THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing 6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out 7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night 8. Dance? No I shouldn't. I should just sit here on the barstool So what does it mean when it's impossible to say these things when sober ?! Mr. P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PladdPezzPunk Posted January 22, 2007 Report Share Posted January 22, 2007 thats great. really makes you think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forever a Fan Posted January 23, 2007 Report Share Posted January 23, 2007 OH I GOTTA PEE!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KoreySS Posted January 23, 2007 Report Share Posted January 23, 2007 Histerical!!!!!! -K- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixsupersport Posted January 23, 2007 Report Share Posted January 23, 2007 nnnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccccccccceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman31 Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 thats a good one.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luaderdale SS Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 LMAO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
allballz57 Posted January 24, 2007 Report Share Posted January 24, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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