Dear Alcohol

shreveportSS · January 22, 2007

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my

friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the holidays,

hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of

endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your

intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at

heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I

question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

takes place after 2 a.m.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I

eat a taco with fire sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some

stale bbq chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a

few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think

you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do

more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue

marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front

door key into the lock. (And i know what my bathtub looks like i don't

need a close up of it after falling off the pot, it's really hard to get

outta there.)

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery

may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely

unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions

are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to

sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,

the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily

activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to

ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when

I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my

grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no

later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &

hopefully, we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

5. Statistic

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out

7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night

8. Dance? No I shouldn't. I should just sit here on the barstool

misterp · January 22, 2007

:crackup:

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

6. Fight? No way. Let's sit down and talk this out

7. Text message? No I have sent enough for the night

8. Dance? No I shouldn't. I should just sit here on the barstool

So what does it mean when it's impossible to say these things when sober ?! :dunno: