Holty Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 JOKE for the Mechanic's and Tool Guru's Drill Press: a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. Wire wheel: cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch..." Electric Hand Drill: normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Quija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to teh palm of you hand. Oxyacetylene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for lighting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearings to race out of. Also used to light cigarettes. Whitworth Sockets: One used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, traping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 8' long Douglas Fir 2x4: Used for levering an automobile upwards off a hydraulic jack handle. Tweezers: A tool used for removing wood splinters. Phone: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tol for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boots. E-Z out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. 2 ton engine Hoist: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect. Crafftsman 1/2" x 16" screwdriver: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip onthe end oppsite the handle. Aviation Metal Snips: See hacksaw Trouble light: the home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of Vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm Howitzers shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper and tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as teh name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads. Pry Bar: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a .50 cent part. Hose Cutter: A tool used to cut hoses too short. Hammer: Originally employed as a waepon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of carboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plactis bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plactic parts. Dammit Tool: Any handy tool that you grad and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at thetop of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. Expletive: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our evey deficiency in forsight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
04CHASE Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 ive seen that before but still great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drako Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 Dammit Tool: Any handy tool that you grad and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at thetop of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need. I think ive used that tool a few times.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brobradh77 Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 That thread doesn't lie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wody Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 very true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ss wrecker Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 that's no lie, i've used quite a few of these tools Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixsupersport Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
motorider228 Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 I used the damnit tool the other day haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rsharpe13 Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 i like that...can relate to quite a few of those! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PladdPezzPunk Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 thats frekin hilarious. i'm printing that for the guys today. nice one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman31 Posted February 1, 2007 Report Share Posted February 1, 2007 the dammit tool is my favorite tool Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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