tawss04 Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary: For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in as great a shape as my college days some 30-40 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try, mostly to please her. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart of my progress.. MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank. FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (Satan) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy ... that is if I don't divorce her first for intolerable cruelty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texas_Veteran Posted February 21, 2007 Report Share Posted February 21, 2007 :crackup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fallen.One05 Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 :crackup: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drako Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Somehow I knew where this was going lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
victorredss Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 That was a good one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schmids5.3l Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the M----- f----- barbells oranything that weighs more than a sandwich. :crackup: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NolletSSS Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 cant stop laughing lol.....Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brobradh77 Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 that was good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZZebes Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Damnit thats be without a trainer, hell i broke3 alarm clocks and a mirror in 3 days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schmids5.3l Posted February 22, 2007 Report Share Posted February 22, 2007 Damnit thats be without a trainer, hell i broke3 alarm clocks and a mirror in 3 days. Drunk post? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman31 Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2006_superado Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 Somehow I knew where this was going lol but it was still funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BILLS04SS Posted February 23, 2007 Report Share Posted February 23, 2007 oh that is to F'ING funny.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixsupersport Posted February 24, 2007 Report Share Posted February 24, 2007 funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cwest94 Posted February 24, 2007 Report Share Posted February 24, 2007 That sure was funny. I myself go to the gyme Mon-Thursday, and by thursday I feel like wanting to kill someone sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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