St. Paddy's Day Guide

[hot rod truck]

As St. Paddy's Day approaches, the below information is vital:

 

 

 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

 

SYMPTOM

1) CAUSE

2)CORRECTIVE ACTION

 

Feet cold and wet

1)Glass Being held at incorrect angle.

2)Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling

 

Feet warm and wet

1)Improper Bladder Control

2)Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training

 

Beer unusually pale and tasteless

1a.) Glass empty.

1b.) You're holding a Bud Lite

2) Get someone to buy you another beer

 

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights

1)You have fallen over backward.

2) Have yourself leashed to bar

 

Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes

1)You have fallen forward

2) See above

 

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet

1a.) Mouth not open

1b.) Glass applied to wrong part of face

2)Retire to restroom, practice in mirror

 

Floor Blurred

1)You are looking through bottom of empty glass

2)Get someone to buy you another beer

 

Floor moving

1)You are being carried out

2)Find out if you are being taken to another bar

 

Room seems unusually dark

1)Bar has closed

2)Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run

 

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures

1)Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations

2)Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside

 

Everyone looks up to you and smiles

1)You are dancing on the table

2)Fall on someone cushy-looking

 

Beer is crystal-clear

1) It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up

2) Punch him

 

People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup

1)You're in the ladies' room

2)Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional)

 

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear

1)You have been in a fight

2)Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them

 

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in

1) You've wandered into the wrong party

2)See if they have free beer

 

Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk

1a.) You're in jail

1b.) You're in the navy

2)Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach

 

You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps

1)You're in a gay bar

2)Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs

 

Your singing sounds distorted

1)The beer is too weak

2)Have more beer until your voice improves

 

Don't remember the words to the song

1)Beer is just right

2)Play air guitar

 

Hope this makes your St. Paddy's Day celebration more enjoyable

[hot rod truck]

Ooops!

 

Wrong forum.

 

Mods please put it in off-topic

[brobradh77]

[Fireman31]

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