Hand Tools

[smoke03]

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly

snatching flat metal bar stock

out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across

the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical

stabilizer which you had

carefully set in the corner where nothing could

get to it.

 

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them

somewhere under the workbench

with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprints and hard-earned

calluses from fingers in about the time it takes

you to say, "What the...??"

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.

 

SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too

short.

 

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in

the creation of blood-blisters.

 

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to

convert minor touch-up jobs into

major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the

Ouija board principle. It transforms

human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt

to influence its course, the more dismal your

future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round

off bolt heads. If nothing

else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat

to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding

heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on

fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside

the wheel hub you want the

bearing race out of.

 

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to

launch wood projectiles for

testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground

after you have installed your

new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly

under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a

trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit

that snaps neatly off in

bolt holes thereby ending any possible future

use.

 

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by

most shops to cut good

aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more

easily fit into the trash can

after you cut on the inside of the line instead

of the outside edge.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of everything you forgot to

disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an

accurately machined

screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under

lids and for opening old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

shirt; but can also be

used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips

screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted

screws into non-removable screws.

 

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding

that clip or bracket you needed

to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the

hammer nowadays is used as a

kind of divining rod to locate the most

expensive parts adjacent the object we

are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered

to your front door; works particularly well on

contents such as seats, vinyl

records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

magazines, refund checks, and

rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for

slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across

the garage while yelling

"DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also,

most often, the next tool

that you will need ..

[NTMD8R_SS]

Lol.

[evallejo]

Haha. It sucks when you learn some of this stuff the hard way. LOL

[BILLS04SS]