I Know I Can Turn To You Guys

[zbishop80]

Wow, what an eye opening thread. I too have been on both sides of the fence. Growing up (and still) my father was/is a functioning alcoholic and gambleaholic. Every waking moment of his non working day is spent drinking and gambling. From a family members stand point I agree with the rest of the members of this site. Move on but dont alienate him. Part of the process of moving on is accepting the fact that your father is an alcoholic and has this disease. You can look to several programs for help. AA is one of those programs. AA will help you understand his disease and give you ways to deal with the stress and hardships he/it causes.

 

As a recovering alcoholic at a young age I can only say that your father has to make the decision to change for himself and no one else. No matter what you do to try and help him, short of the intervention already discussed, he'll continue to drink until he chooses not to. Try to catch him when he's sober, sit down and let him know exactly how and why things are affecting you. The key is not to make him feel threatened or like he's being attacked. Be blunt but tactful, and honest but non-threatening. Ask him why he thinks he needs a drink. Be prepared that he might not take kindly to this. Just know that you are doing what you feel is necessary and right and move on from there. I hope this helps.

 

If you want more suggestions or more insight to my story hit me on the PM and we can talk.

[Tyler's Touch]

Thanks for all the helpful replies guys, I just signed in today after posting this last night and was shocked at all the lengthy responses! Like I said, I knew I could ask here for some input! I am in contact with ala-non right now. Looks like I'll be going to some meetings to see how I can help this situation. I've got to get back to work, thanks so much ladies and gents!

[misterp]

After reading Bishop's response I had another thought to add - you and your father appear to have a bigger issue than the alcoholism itself, and that is your father is "the lead dog" in your relationship and he is (my guess here) not capable of being in that role (the leader of the family).

 

Dog Whisperer thinking here -

 

The leader *never* chases the other dogs, instead they seek him. Your continued efforts to manage your father's life is just you 'pursuing' your father; by your actions you are indirectly 'promoting' him to a position of leadership between you two, in a way you're always following him around. And ignoring the alcoholism issue for a second, he is not strong enough to be a leader in your relationship at this moment. If I were me in your shoes, I would do exactly what Bishop says, and that is to move on (aka run your own life) but not alienate him - the continued efforts to manage your father's life are not working so you need to try another approach to the problem. Others will have to comment on this suggestion, but maybe instead of telling him exactly what to do, who to see, where to go, etc etc etc just make it clear to him what you expect (that is, to stop drinking and be a part of the family) and that he is always a welcome part of your life and as others have suggested when it finally does become important enough to him to stop drinking he will feel secure enough to do so

 

Mr. P.

[Fireman31]

I am sorry for what you are going through Tyler, but as many others said, do not block him out. Obviously there is something wrong, some thing deeper then just his drinking. His alcohol abuse is just a front, a cover up for something larger eating away at him. This way of coping with difficulties is obviously not the answer. Your dad needs your love and support along with your family's, that's the only way he will be able to pull through this. It is imperative that you let him know how you feel. An intervention was mentioned earlier in this topic, this may be the only way to get through to him. Dumping his booze, screaming at him, and calling the cops are only gonna make him feel that much worse.

[Hankg42]

... Dumping his booze, screaming at him, and calling the cops are only gonna make him feel that much worse.

Those are some of the tactics I tried in a past relationship. Definitely not the right way to go about it, I learned.

[zbishop80]

After reading Bishop's response I had another thought to add - you and your father appear to have a bigger issue than the alcoholism itself, and that is your father is "the lead dog" in your relationship and he is (my guess here) not capable of being in that role (the leader of the family).

 

Dog Whisperer thinking here -

 

The leader *never* chases the other dogs, instead they seek him. Your continued efforts to manage your father's life is just you 'pursuing' your father; by your actions you are indirectly 'promoting' him to a position of leadership between you two, in a way you're always following him around. And ignoring the alcoholism issue for a second, he is not strong enough to be a leader in your relationship at this moment. If I were me in your shoes, I would do exactly what Bishop says, and that is to move on (aka run your own life) but not alienate him - the continued efforts to manage your father's life are not working so you need to try another approach to the problem. Others will have to comment on this suggestion, but maybe instead of telling him exactly what to do, who to see, where to go, etc etc etc just make it clear to him what you expect (that is, to stop drinking and be a part of the family) and that he is always a welcome part of your life and as others have suggested when it finally does become important enough to him to stop drinking he will feel secure enough to do so

 

Mr. P.

 

You picked the words right from my brain Mr. P.

[FireRescueSS]

All I am going to say, is go get help for yourself first, you should know that from your fire training. You can not help anyone if you are in need help yourself.

 

http://www.aa.org Alcholics Anonymous

http://www.adultchildren.org Adult Children of Alcholics

[SS Silv]

All I am going to say, is go get help for yourself first, you should know that from your fire training. You can not help anyone if you are in need help yourself.

 

http://www.aa.org Alcholics Anonymous

http://www.adultchildren.org Adult Children of Alcholics

 

AA is only for people who are alcoholic. Most AA groups won't let others in if they aren't alcoholic. There are a few open meetings but not many.

 

Al-anon is for family members.

Edited August 20, 2008 by SS Silv (see edit history)

[Tyler's Touch]

Those are some of the tactics I tried in a past relationship. Definitely not the right way to go about it, I learned.

 

Yeah I've already tried this, just makes him drink more

[Tyler's Touch]

After reading Bishop's response I had another thought to add - you and your father appear to have a bigger issue than the alcoholism itself, and that is your father is "the lead dog" in your relationship and he is (my guess here) not capable of being in that role (the leader of the family).

 

Dog Whisperer thinking here -

 

The leader *never* chases the other dogs, instead they seek him. Your continued efforts to manage your father's life is just you 'pursuing' your father; by your actions you are indirectly 'promoting' him to a position of leadership between you two, in a way you're always following him around. And ignoring the alcoholism issue for a second, he is not strong enough to be a leader in your relationship at this moment. If I were me in your shoes, I would do exactly what Bishop says, and that is to move on (aka run your own life) but not alienate him - the continued efforts to manage your father's life are not working so you need to try another approach to the problem. Others will have to comment on this suggestion, but maybe instead of telling him exactly what to do, who to see, where to go, etc etc etc just make it clear to him what you expect (that is, to stop drinking and be a part of the family) and that he is always a welcome part of your life and as others have suggested when it finally does become important enough to him to stop drinking he will feel secure enough to do so

 

Mr. P.

 

I'm liking this idea Mr. P!

 

 

I am sorry for what you are going through Tyler, but as many others said, do not block him out. Obviously there is something wrong, some thing deeper then just his drinking. His alcohol abuse is just a front, a cover up for something larger eating away at him. This way of coping with difficulties is obviously not the answer. Your dad needs your love and support along with your family's, that's the only way he will be able to pull through this. It is imperative that you let him know how you feel. An intervention was mentioned earlier in this topic, this may be the only way to get through to him. Dumping his booze, screaming at him, and calling the cops are only gonna make him feel that much worse.

 

Yeah, it's a cover from recent divorce, health issues, brain tumor (removed and hasnt come back) heart attacks...hes been through a lot which sucks

 

All I am going to say, is go get help for yourself first, you should know that from your fire training. You can not help anyone if you are in need help yourself.

 

 

http://www.aa.org Alcholics Anonymous

http://www.adultchildren.org Adult Children of Alcholics

 

I totally forgot about helping yourself first (in life outside the station) thanks for the reminder man!