Nightshift Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" WW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenKey Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2xtreme Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 LOL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwalls54 Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 that was a good one Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackhawk Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Hmmmm, i wonder if that would work for woman as well... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostrider Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 OK... here you go... ------------------------------------- Man walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little one foot tall man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. The bartender notices this and asks: Hey, where did you get that? I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got a this little fella. Can I try? The man with the piano agrees and a minute later, a million ducks fill the room. Ducks? I didn't wish for a million ducks, I wished for a million bucks! Ya think I really wished for a twelve inch pianist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghostrider Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 And since this is about automotive performance.... ----------------------------- The Ferrari and the Moped A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped! Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what this car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160-mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250-mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped ccould pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275-mph. whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old Man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320-mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2xtreme Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cre8vtung Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 A woman was speeding along a highway when she was pulled over by a State Police. The officer walked up to her window with his ticket book and asked, ""Do you know how fast you were going, Ma'am?" "I know I was speeding officer, but I'm late for a very important meeting and I'm in a terrible hurry. Please don't give me a ticket. My husband would be so angry. I'll do anything. I'll buy tickets to your Policemen's Ball," she said. The Mountie looked at her sternly. "The State Police don't have balls, Ma'am." The woman stared with open mouth and raised her eyebrows at the officer, who turned bright red, put his ticket book away, walked back to his cruiser and drove off. A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree." The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way? The chief replied, "My bike." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackhawk Posted August 16, 2003 Report Share Posted August 16, 2003 A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqi!" The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqi!" Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge fire fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqi!" The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nightshift Posted August 17, 2003 Author Report Share Posted August 17, 2003 Another..... A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she comes out again, marches to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which She replied,"There certainly is!" (Are you ready? ... this is a beauty ...) My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL" WW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jwest1975 Posted August 17, 2003 Report Share Posted August 17, 2003 Justin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2xtreme Posted August 17, 2003 Report Share Posted August 17, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultimate Posted August 17, 2003 Report Share Posted August 17, 2003 A young married couple wakes up in the morning, and the wife says, "I had the weirdest dream" Her husband asks, "what?" and she responds, "I dreamed that I was at a penis auction, the really big ones went for about 100,000 dollars and the smallest ones for 1 dollar." Her husband chuckles and ask, "What was one like mine going for" the Wife responds, "they were giving those out as souvenirs" The husband offended, the next morning he says, "Wow honey I had an incredible dream" his wife curiously asks, "Oh yeah.. what about" He says "I dreamed I was at a vagina auction this time, the tightest ones were going for 100,000 dollars and the loosest ones for 1 dollar." His wife asks, "oh realy, what were ones like mine going for?" The husband responds, "Thats where they held the auction!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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