jon1178 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 i was going to put this in the how to section but decided not. it took me about an hour to read this because i could not stop laughing. HOW TO POOP AT WORK: We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going to the bathroom. ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: This happens when you walk from the stall, to the sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or a magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): This is the group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: This is a poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE. UNCLE TED: This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This individual spends extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as the others in the building Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoke03 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 so...what do YOU do in your spare time? lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NolletSSS Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 haha to funny man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brobradh77 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) this should be a sticky...for the record I guess i'm an out of the closet pooper...lol I learned along time ago if you have to go you just go..the only time I am uncomfy is when someone in the stall next to me feels the need to carry on a conversation with me between grunts..lol Edited August 28, 2007 by brobradh77 (see edit history) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
00silverad0 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 (edited) HAHA I have seen this before on another site. I was laughing for about 10 mins after I had finished reading it. BTW, COURTESY FLUSH: This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. No joke, this is seriously one of the best tips that I have used while enjoying my afternoon poop. Then again, if your in a firehouse, EVERYONE is an out of the closet pooper, however you must not let them catch you or else there will be ABSOLUTE embarrasment/jokes all day. Quick story, we had a kid in Fire Academy who would always take a dump right after lunch and was late more than once for line up(HUGE NO NO) One day the LT asked where this kid was, I responded back with hes in the bathroom sir. The LT proceeds to grab a 5gal water cooler (ICE WATER) walk into the bathroom and call this kids name then dump the entire 5 gallons of ice water on him. He proceeds to leave and say dont be late for line up again and mop the bathroom when your done. Edited August 28, 2007 by SSSmoke Eater (see edit history) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
punkt71 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 Haha this was the funniest shit (no pun intended) i have read in a long time..... dude... I have busted out the cough a few times and it does work!! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireRescueSS Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 Should have came with a warning label.... Also, just to add to smoke eater, what happens at the fire house, stays at the fire house, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zanis520 Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 lol i think someone needs a REAL job Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nextelsucks Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 Holy crap that was funny A little tip find the family bathroom its usally the one with one toilet. Seek and find it poop in peace Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Oo p0op oO Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 i am the poop master Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holty Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 i am the poop master DUDE that is halarious, i was thinking of you the whole time while reading this. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Z4pp Posted August 28, 2007 Report Share Posted August 28, 2007 I usually go out of my way to find a lonely bathroom in those cases. But sometimes you got to go lol. Good stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fireman31 Posted August 29, 2007 Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 HAHA I have seen this Quick story, we had a kid in Fire Academy who would always take a dump right after lunch and was late more than once for line up(HUGE NO NO) One day the LT asked where this kid was, I responded back with hes in the bathroom sir. The LT proceeds to grab a 5gal water cooler (ICE WATER) walk into the bathroom and call this kids name then dump the entire 5 gallons of ice water on him. He proceeds to leave and say dont be late for line up again and mop the bathroom when your done. We f*ck with guys in the firehouse all the time when they are taking a crap. Many times we have lit newspaper on fire and thrown it under the stall (like in Ladder 49). Pressurized water cans, caution tape, toilet paper, even flour are good ones too. Our fire district puts aeresol cans of citrus air freshener in the bathrooms, let me tell you, they are quite flammable. One of our probies was on the throne once, we shut the lights off on him and our captain shot the air freshener in front of a lighter. That stuff shot a 4 foot long flame over the stall and it scared the crap out of him literally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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