HOW-TO go poop at work

[jon1178]

i was going to put this in the how to section but decided not. it took me about an hour to read this because i could not stop laughing.

 

 

HOW TO POOP AT WORK:

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly

felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise,

the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate

pooping at work, following the

Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

 

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk really fast around the office

so the smell is not in your area and everyone gets a

whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be

careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full

fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to

make sure the smell has left your pants.

 

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before

pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If

there are others in the bathroom, leave and come

back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT

FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch

you constantly going to the bathroom.

 

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at

the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This

usually is accompanied by a sudden wave of

embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not

acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you

are standing next to the farter, pretend you did not

hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or

laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

 

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a

machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, DO

NOT PANIC. Remain in the stall until everyone has

left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness

of what just occurred.

 

COURTESY FLUSH:

This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant

the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of

air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This

can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

 

WALK OF SHAME:

This happens when you walk from the stall, to the

sink, and to the door after you just stunk up the

bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if

someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it

is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

This can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY

FLUSH.

 

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn

proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE

CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

a magazine under their arm. Always look around the

office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before

entering the bathroom.

 

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.):

This is the group of co-workers who band together to

ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident.

The P.F.N . group can help you monitor the

whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

 

SAFE HAVENS:

This is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the

building where you can least expect visitors. Try

floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.

This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex

entering the bathroom.

 

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is

one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that

can occur when taking a poop at work. If this

occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR

leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable

eye contact.

 

CAMO-COUGH:

This is a phony cough that alerts all new entrants

into the bathroom that you are in the stall. This

can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert

potential TURD BURGLARS. This can be very effective

when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

 

ASTAIRE:

This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert

potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a

stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is

occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the

bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in

peace.

 

WATERMELON:

This is a poop that creates a loud splash when

hitting the toilet water. This is also an

embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON

coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

 

HAVANA OMELET:

This happens with a case of diarrhea that creates a

series of loud splashes in the toilet water. This is

often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a

CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

 

UNCLE TED:

This is a bathroom user who seems to linger around

forever. This individual spends extended lengths of

time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.

An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on

the crapper. You should always wait to poop when the

bathroom is empty. This will benefit you as well as

the others in the building

[smoke03]

so...what do YOU do in your spare time? lol

[NolletSSS]

haha to funny man

[brobradh77]

this should be a sticky...for the record I guess i'm an out of the closet pooper...lol I learned along time ago if you have to go you just go..the only time I am uncomfy is when someone in the stall next to me feels the need to carry on a conversation with me between grunts..lol

Edited August 28, 2007 by brobradh77 (see edit history)

[00silverad0]

HAHA I have seen this before on another site. I was laughing for about 10 mins after I had finished reading it. BTW, COURTESY FLUSH:

This is the act of flushing the toilet the instant

the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of

air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This

can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF

SHAME.

 

 

No joke, this is seriously one of the best tips that I have used while enjoying my afternoon poop. Then again, if your in a firehouse, EVERYONE is an out of the closet pooper, however you must not let them catch you or else there will be ABSOLUTE embarrasment/jokes all day.

 

Quick story, we had a kid in Fire Academy who would always take a dump right after lunch and was late more than once for line up(HUGE NO NO) One day the LT asked where this kid was, I responded back with hes in the bathroom sir. The LT proceeds to grab a 5gal water cooler (ICE WATER) walk into the bathroom and call this kids name then dump the entire 5 gallons of ice water on him. He proceeds to leave and say dont be late for line up again and mop the bathroom when your done.

Edited August 28, 2007 by SSSmoke Eater (see edit history)

[punkt71]

Haha this was the funniest shit (no pun intended) i have read in a long time..... dude... I have busted out the cough a few times and it does work!! lol

[FireRescueSS]

Should have came with a warning label....

 

Also, just to add to smoke eater, what happens at the fire house, stays at the fire house, lol.

[zanis520]

lol i think someone needs a REAL job

[nextelsucks]

Holy crap that was funny

 

A little tip find the family bathroom its usally the one with one toilet. Seek and find it poop in peace

[Oo p0op oO]

i am the poop master

[Holty]

i am the poop master

 

DUDE that is halarious, i was thinking of you the whole time while reading this. LOL

[Z4pp]

I usually go out of my way to find a lonely bathroom in those cases. But sometimes you got to go lol. Good stuff

[Fireman31]

HAHA I have seen this Quick story, we had a kid in Fire Academy who would always take a dump right after lunch and was late more than once for line up(HUGE NO NO) One day the LT asked where this kid was, I responded back with hes in the bathroom sir. The LT proceeds to grab a 5gal water cooler (ICE WATER) walk into the bathroom and call this kids name then dump the entire 5 gallons of ice water on him. He proceeds to leave and say dont be late for line up again and mop the bathroom when your done.

 

We f*ck with guys in the firehouse all the time when they are taking a crap. Many times we have lit newspaper on fire and thrown it under the stall (like in Ladder 49). Pressurized water cans, caution tape, toilet paper, even flour are good ones too. Our fire district puts aeresol cans of citrus air freshener in the bathrooms, let me tell you, they are quite flammable. One of our probies was on the throne once, we shut the lights off on him and our captain shot the air freshener in front of a lighter. That stuff shot a 4 foot long flame over the stall and it scared the crap out of him literally.