Post Your Jokes!

[twiSSSted]

One day, a man walks into a whorehouse and says, ''Give me your most dangerous whore.''

The clerk says, ''She's in room 3A.''

The man goes to room 3A and sees a woman with a black leather suit, whips and chains. The whore says she wants to have sex on the peak of the roof. The man quickly agrees. They go to the roof and go at it for a while, and then they both fall off the roof, still ''together.'' They land on the sidewalk and die.

A drunk man walks by, sees them together, and walks into the whorehouse. The desk clerk says, ''Hey! I thought I told you never to come back here again! Get out, now!''

To this, the drunk replies, ''I just came in here to tell you that your sign fell down

[KIKINSS]

Father O'Malley was transferred to Texas.

He rose from his bed one fine spring day in his new Texas

mission parish, and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep

breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there

was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this: ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How

might I help you?''

''And the best of the day te yerself...... This is Father O'Malley at St.

Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn."

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a

smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took

care of the last rites!''

For a long moment there was dead silence on the line....... then

Father O'Malley replied:

''Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of

kin.''

[twiSSSted]

Looking for Jesus

One day down by a river, a preacher had just baptized a young lady. A few minutes later, a drunk, non-religious man walked by the river.

 

The preacher said to him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

 

The drunk said yes.

 

The preacher got him in the water, dipped him in and then raised him back up. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk said no.

 

The preacher again dipped him in and raised him back up. The preacher said, "Have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk again said no.

 

The preacher dipped him and raised him up for a third time. He said, "Have you found Jesus?"

 

The drunk said, "Are you sure he fell in here?"

 

 

LOL there are some good ones

[twiSSSted]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.

The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me? The programmer said, Look, I'm a programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend -- but a talking frog, now that's cool.

 

Only a programmer

Edited October 14, 2009 by twiSSSted (see edit history)

[desrtrat]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on I-95 southbound, just outside of

Washington, Nothing is moving north or south.

 

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

 

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"What's the hold up?"

 

 

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Jesse Jackson, Al

Sharpton, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer and John Kerry.

 

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to

douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

 

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

 

"About a gallon."

 

 

 

 

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book.

 

He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either.

 

Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

 

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick.

 

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me.

 

So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

 

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"

 

"Er.. about two minutes ago."

 

 

Edited October 14, 2009 by desrtrat (see edit history)

[SSplaytoy]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

 

'No', he replies, 'I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.'

 

The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

 

'It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains.

 

'What's it telling you now?'

 

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...'

 

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!'

 

The man explains, 'Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

[twiSSSted]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster & he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer & asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says "Sure, I've got this great rooster named Chuck. He'll service every chicken you have, no problem."

 

Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home & sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got alot of chickens to service here & you cost me alot of money. Consequently, I need you to do a good job. So, take your time & have some fun" the farmer told him with a chuckle.

 

Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed him toward the hen house & Chuck took off like a shot. WHAM!!, Chuck nails every hen in the hen house, 3-4 times. The farmer is really in shock now. Afteer that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen. Sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese down by his pond. Once again, WHAM!!, Chuck gets them all.

 

By sunset the farmer sees Chuck out in the fiels chasing quail & phesants. The farmer is distraught, worried about how hos expensive new rooster might not last even 24hrs at this rate. Sure enough the farmer goes to bed & awakes the next morning to find Chuck dead as a doorknob-stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are already circling over head.

 

The farmer, saddened by the loss of his new expensive rooster, shakes his head & says "oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down & now look at what you've done to yourself."

 

Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling & says "SHHHHHH, they're getting closer....."