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Things that you should never say to a police offic


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Things that you should never say to a police officer



No, YOU assume the position.

I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!

If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?

No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.

No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.

Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.

But officer, I've got 2 different drivers licenses from 2 different states! Pick 1

I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!

On the way to the station let's get a six pack, oh don't forget the cig's

You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

So thats what those yellow flashing lights in the school zone means

What do you use those rubber gloves for, anyway?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I was going to be a trooper, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No donut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

Is it true that people become troopers because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?

I pay your salary!

So, uh, you on the take, or what?

Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.

What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Hey, is that a 9 mm? How's that compare to this one here?

Say Hi to your wife and my kids!

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So you want to buy a Lexus



A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.


"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.

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Safety First



A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, 'Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.' The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, 'I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.' Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, 'I want the house.' Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, 'I want the kids too.' The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, 'I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.' The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, 'Is there anything you want?' The husband says, 'No, I've got everything I need right here.' She asks, 'What's that?'


The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, 'I've got the airbag!'

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The Trooper


There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new BMW M5. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through

what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great" he thought and floored it some more.

He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Texas Highway Patrol

Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him. The Trooper pulled in behind the BMW and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 5 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding; that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off

with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day".

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The Passion


A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, "The Passion", and is inspired to take his entire family, including his mother-in-law, to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died. While on vacation his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500. The man says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here". The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

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some old stuff:


> Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the

back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy

cigarettes at the front.


> Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,

> large fries, and a diet coke.


> Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then

> chain the pens to the counters.


> Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of

> dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


> Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and

> buns in packages of eight.


> Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe

> the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning

> 'bloodsucking creatures'.


> Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with

> Braille lettering.




> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


> Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


> Why you never see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


> Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


> Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing

> liquid made with real lemons?


> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush

> hour?


> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


> You know that indestructible black box that is used on

> airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of

> progress?


> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


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This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business located

in Philadelphia .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory

statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the

country would be marching on this business . . .. and that the National

Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.


But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the

proprietors simply make their statement . . . We are a society which

holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty .... And after

all, it is just a sign.


You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?










Answer: A Funeral Home (Who said morticians have no sense of humor?)

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