hot rod truck

I've always said if I were reincarnated, I wanted to come back as a dog. Just so I could lick my own...

: ... OH NO!... not the dreaded 6* of KEVIN BACON

I was over at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my Boston Terrier earlier this week and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. It wasn't the best day. It was a long line. I couldn't help myself at this point. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned and was that why I was in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door The best damn joke i've heard this year The best part is there are people amongst us who would believe his story

Are you using a Mr. Coffee flux capacitor?

Nice Chevelle, Brian. Got a soft spot for them myself. Sold a'72 hardtop years ago. My wife still hasn't forgiven me on that one. Still have my '66 wagon though, first car 1974

I sent him an e-mail. Wait and see if he responds especially to Fuel Slut's thread in Gasoline Alley

This is an explanation for those of us that have been through child-rearing. It's a WARNING for those who haven't After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"> "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

Guilty on all counts See, there are advantages to getting old

Where's Mervz's pics?

A wealthy lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!" Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story.. Don't mess with old farts. Age and cunning will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance come only with age and experience!

Nice truck Nice Times

Sex, Church & Pancakes Teen age sex: The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" Church: A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!" The preacher said, "No shit?" Pancakes: Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem." The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. "Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?" "Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

That's so true. I bet if you got a few auto part people together we could write a book of funny, but true, stories. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> ...And new ways to eliminate them from the gene pool

Makes perfect sense TJ. Transmissions and carburetors are the black hole of the automobile. Too many parts that all have to work together...somehow

Free post WOOOHOOO Whore Man Whore

<{POST_SNAPBACK}> YUP, and that's why you don't have a gun Brian Cause you'd ****** shoot someone <{POST_SNAPBACK}> That's true I forgot talking about that when I posted this Part Timers disease kickin' in Another Zippy True Tale ...

Perhaps this will help explain it all A Washington, DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why our country is in trouble! 1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. 2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts," Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa," Her response - click. 3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" 4. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time." 5. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 6. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage. 7. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?" 8. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them." 9. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. On a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever, smarty!" 10. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!" 11. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply? "Whatever! I knew it was a big animal". Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in! Some people are alive only because it's against the law to shoot them!

The best part was everybody in the stands saying "That has to be Zippy" We all realized it about the same time

Yup, Cheezy saw a young lady and had noticed that she was with child. When he said that you can't hurt anything since she was pregnant. I casually replied " It's like a free car wash" Cheezy got it. CraigW got it. Then I told Rob what we were talking about. We were rolling by then. Then the story of the Indy Meet where you made that remark had to be told. The tale lives on

Thanks Bob, Looking forward to the Dream Cruise, just hope we don't have anymore of this type excitement. There was that really sinking feeling when we first heard the passenger side got hit because that was where her car seat always was. My son is 6'3"-6'4" so to give her more room he always placed her on the passenger side of the car. He said he didn't know why he changed her to the driver's side of the car I did the same thing when my kids were little. We have 5 grandkids and love all of them but Eliza is certainly the one that Alyce refers to as our miracle baby after everything she's gone through in only 17 months. Things aren't as bad as they could be, and I do try and see the glass as half-full rather than half-empty. Helps to look at things from a more positive viewpoint, at least for me. We'll be in the Camaro vert for Woodward We had a great time hanging out with you too Also for the other members, Bob won first place in the SilveradoSS class Chad (ThePDB) was runner up Congrats to both of you

Congrats

Congrats

Thanks. You got to bring Cheezy Fries again too He still needs to get his FREE CAR WASH

Hey all, Most of you who were at Zippy's know I got a phone call Saturday from my daughter telling me that my son and granddaughter had been in a car accident. Really thought I was going to have to leave right then and there. Fortunately, my other son and daughter were able to step up and handle the details for their brother and be there since Alyce and I could not. I told everyone I would try and get some pics posted when I got back. Well I got the pics and we are damn fortunate. The car was hit on the side that my granddaughter normally would have her car seat on, but for some reason she was sitting on the other side behind her dad. They say God works in mysterious ways...well this certainly qualifies. Thankfully, only a few scrapes and bruises Now, I know those of you who weren't at Zippy's are now asking yourselves... OK... What's this got to do with Zippy's? Nothing, but here's the rest of the story. The kind words and thoughts from everybody were greatly appreciated. It made a really big impression on my wife who really hadn't met many of the members and had only chatted briefly with those she had. She understands much better why I spend a lot of time on the site: The people here The guys who know me probably haven't seen this side of me, because I'm normally the one talking sh*t, telling jokes, posting useless information, etc. etc. etc. Craig's and Old Boys were both great times. I'm glad we were able to be there We will be back On the way home, she made the comment that everybody were really good people. Trust me, that's a helluva endorsement I would like to give a big thank you to everybody at Zippy's during what was a rough time for us and our family. Also a thank you to the SilveradoSS family for letting me hang out here Pics