tawss04 Posted December 15, 2006 Report Share Posted December 15, 2006 IF YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE FIRST TWO JUDGES, THE REACTION OF THE THIRD JUDGE IS EVEN BETTER. THEY ACTUALLY HAVE A CHILI COOK-OFF AROUND HALLOWEEN IN SAN ANTONIO. JUDGE #3 WAS AN INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER NAME FRANK, WHO WAS VISITING FROM SPRINGFIELD IL FRANK: RECENTLY, I WAS HONORED TO BE SELECTED AS A JUDGE AT A CHILI COOK-OFF. THE ORIGINAL PERSON CALLED IN SICK AT THE LAST MOMENT AND I HAPPENED TO BE STANDING THERE AT THE JUDGE'S TABLE ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE COOR'S LIGHT TRUCK, WHEN THE CALL CAME IN. I WAS ASSURED BY THE OTHER TWO JUDGES (NATIVE TEXANS) THAT THE CHILI, WOULDN'T BE THAT SPICY AND, BESIDES, THEY TOLD ME I COULD HAVE FREE BEER DURING THE TASTING, SO I ACCEPTED. HERE ARE THE SCORECARD NOTES FROM THE EVENT: CHILI #1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... JUDGE #1 - A LITTLE TOO HEAVY ON THE TOMATO. AMUSING KICK. JUDGE #2 - NICE, SMOOTH TOMATO FLAVOR. VERY MILD. JUDGE #3 (FRANK) - HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF? YOU COULD REMOVE DRIED PAINT FROM YOUR DRIVEWAY. TOOK ME TWO BEERS TO PUT THE FLAMES OUT. I HOPE THAT'S THE WORST ONE. THESE TEXANS ARE CRAZY. CHILI #2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI.... JUDGE #1 - SMOKY, WITH A HINT OF PORT, SLIGHT JALAPENO TANG. JUDGE #2 - EXCITING BBQ FLAVOR, NEEDS MORE PEPPERS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. JUDGE # 3 - KEEP THIS OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN. I'M NOT SURE WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO TASTE BESIDES PAIN. I HAD TO WAVE OFF TWO PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO GIVE ME THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER. THEY HAD TO RUSH IN MORE BEER WHEN THEY SAW THE LOOK ON MY FACE. CHILI #3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... JUDGE #1 - EXCELLENT FIREHOUSE CHILI. GREAT KICK JUDGE #2 - A BIT SALTY, GOOD USE OF PEPPERS JUDGE #3 - CALL THE EPA. I'VE LOCATED A URANIUM SPILL. MY NOSE FEELS LIKE I HAVE BEEN SNORTING DRANO. EVERYONE KNOWS THE ROUTINE BY NOW. GET ME MORE BEER BEFORE I IGNITE. BARMAID POUNDED ME ON THE BACK. NOW MY BACKBONE IS IN THE FRONT PART OF MY CHEST. I'M GETTING SHIT-FACED FROM ALL OF THE BEER. CHILI #4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC.... JUDGE #1 - BLACK BEAN CHILI WITH ALMOST NO SPICE. DISAPPOINTING. JUDGE #2 - HINT OF LIME IN THE BLACK BEANS. Good SIDE DISH FOR FISH OR OTHER MILD FOODS, NOT MUCH OF A CHILI. JUDGE #3 - I FELT SOMETHING SCRAPING ACROSS MY TONGUE, BUT WAS UNABLE TO TASTE IT. IS IT POSSIBLE TO BURN OUT TASTE BUDS? SALLY, THE BEERMAID, WAS, STANDING BEHIND ME WITH FRESH REFILLS. THAT 300LB WOMAN IS STARTING TO LOOK HOT!...JUST LIKE THIS NUCLEAR WASTE I'M EATING! IS CHILI AN APHRODISIAC? CHILI #5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... JUDGE #1 - MEATY, STRONG CHILI, CAYENNE PEPPERS FRESHLY GROUND, ADDING CONSIDERABLE KICK. VERY IMPRESSIVE. JUDGE #2 - CHILI USING SHREDDED BEEF, COULD USE MORE TOMATO. MUST ADMIT THE CAYENNE PEPPERS MAKE A STRONG STATEMENT. JUDGE #3 - MY EARS ARE RINGING, SWEAT IS POURING OFF MY FOREHEAD AND I CAN NO LONGER FOCUS MY EYES. I FARTED AND FOUR PEOPLE BEHIND ME NEEDED PARAMEDICS. THE CONTESTANT SEEMED OFFENDED WHEN I TOLD HER THAT HER CHILI HAD GIVEN ME BRAIN DAMAGE. SALLY SAVED MY TONGUE FROM BLEEDING BY POURING BEER DIRECTLY ON IT FROM THE PITCHER. I WONDER IF I'M BURNING MY LIPS OFF. IT REALLY PISSES ME OFF THAT THE OTHER JUDGES ASKED TO TO STOP SCREAMING. SCREW THOSE REDNECKS. CHILI #6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... JUDGE #1 - THIN YET BOLD VEGETARIAN VARIETY... JUDGE #1 - THINK YET BOLD VEGETARIAN VARIETY CHILI GOOD BALANCE OF SPICES AND PEPPERS. JUDGE #2 - THE BEST YET. AGGRESSIVE USE OF PEPPERS, ONIONS, AND GARLIC. SUPERB. JUDGE #3 - MY INTESTINES ARE NOW A STRAIGHT PIPE FILLED WITH GASEOUS, SULFURIC FLAMES. I SHIT ON MYSELF WHEN I FARTED AND I'M WORRIED IT WILL EAT THROUGH THE CHAIR. NO ONE SEEMS INCLINED TO STAND BEHIND ME EXCEPT THAT SALLY. CAN'T FEEL MY LIPS ANYMORE. I NEED TO WIPE MY ASS WITH A SNOW CONE. CHILI #7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... JUDGE #1 - A MEDIOCRE CHILI WITH TOO MUCH RELIANCE ON CANNED PEPPERS JUDGE #2 - HO HUM, TASTES AS IF THE CHEF LITERALLY THREW IN A CAN OF CHILI PEPPERS AT THE LAST MOMENT. **I SHOULD TAKE NOTE THAT I AM WORRIED ABOUT JUDGE #3. HE APPEARS TO BE IN A BIT OF DISTRESS AS HE IS CURSING UNCONTROLLABLY. JUDGE 3 - YOU COULD PUT A GRENADE IN MY MOUTH, PULL THE PIN, AND I WOULDN'T FEEL A THING. I'VE LOST SIGHT IN ONE EYE, AND THE WORLD SOUNDS LIKE IT IS MADE OF RUSHING WATER. MY SHIRT IS COVERED WITH CHILI, WHICH SLID UNNOTICED OUT OF MY MOUTH. MY PANTS ARE FULL OF LAVA TO MATCH MY SHIRT. AT LEAST DURING THE AUTOPSY, THEY'LL KNOW WHAT KILLED ME. I'VE DECIDED TO STOP BREATHING IT'S TOO PAINFUL. SCREW IT; I'M NOT GETTING ANY OXYGEN ANYWAY. IF I NEED AIR, I'LL JUST SUCK IT IN THROUGH THE 4 INCH HOLE IN MY STOMACH. CHILI #8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... JUDGE #1 - THE PERFECT ENDING, THIS IS A NICE BLEND CHILI. NOT TOO BOLD, BUT SPICY ENOUGH TO DECLARE IT'S EXISTENCE. JUDGE #2 - THIS FINAL ENTRY IS A GOOD, BALANCED CHILI. NEITHER MILD NOR HOT. SORRY TO SEE THAT MOST OF IT WAS LOST WHEN JUDGE #3 FARTED, PASSED OUT, FELL OVER AND PULLED THE CHILI POT DOWN ON TOP OF HIMSELF. NOT SURE IF HE'S GOING TO MAKE IT. POOR FELLER, WONDER HOW HE'S HAVE REACTED TO REALLY HOT CHILI? JUDGE #3 - NO REPORT Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perk03z06 Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 So ... did this actually happen? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hot rod truck Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 So ... did this actually happen? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I'm sure it has... somewhere Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2006_superado Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 i've never laughed so hard by myself in my life! it just struck a chord with me or something.. kept visualizing it! lmfao! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stevebbb Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 Oh man, that was FUNNY! I was laughing out load while reading it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TAR 71 Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 HAHAHA, that's great! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
onyx_ss Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 Hahahaha good one onyx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJT13 Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 i've actually seen that before. still funny though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kim Posted December 16, 2006 Report Share Posted December 16, 2006 uhhh....reading that makes me sick to my stomach. Still pretty funny though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eamonnschevy Posted December 17, 2006 Report Share Posted December 17, 2006 I've seen that so many times now but i still find it unbelievably funny, that has got to be one of the best ever email stories going around the Internet..... thanks for posting it again and making my day lol. laughter is the best medicine and that was a big heap of medicine eamonn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
montanass Posted December 17, 2006 Report Share Posted December 17, 2006 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
big hack Posted December 17, 2006 Report Share Posted December 17, 2006 This is the funnies thing I have read in years. Had tears rolling down my cheeks.... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
06redSSrwd Posted December 17, 2006 Report Share Posted December 17, 2006 i lost it when he said he needed to wipe his ass with a snow cone. too good Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nixsupersport Posted December 19, 2006 Report Share Posted December 19, 2006 2 funny man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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