hot rod truck Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 I just found this to be funny as sh*t Sorry 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't @..%$ with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks. 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and @..%$ on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. 18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. 19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. 21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the @..%$ out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. 23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the @..%$ out of little kids. 24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. 26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. 27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". 29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face. 31. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IdriveGTP Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 ......Brian.......you must have have too much free time on the computer.....but I will say I laughed my ass off at #25... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hot rod truck Posted December 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 And i found some more... 32. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer 33. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. 34. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 35. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. 36.When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 37.Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 38. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 39. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. 1034 7.26 Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 40. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history. 41. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 42. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday. 43. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris 44. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian. 45. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. 46. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. 47. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. 48. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 49.Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO. 50. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down. 51. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 52.If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. There ya' go... not 31...but 52 reasons... not to mess with Chuck Norris. Oh sh*t, there's a knock at the door... I hope it's not Chuck Norris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
backinblack Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 that is freakin funny... I used to love oregon trail I'd always crash trying to float down the river at the end though Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texas_Veteran Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
packjh Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 we had a guy post that up at work its hilarious we joked around with for weeks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hzppby Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 "Quote: From the movie Dodgeball" F@#cking Chuck Norris!! or was it Goddamn Chuck Norris!! The list is funny as hell!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zippy Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 good list, pretty damn funny... *Chuck made me say that* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChevySSandChevy8.1 Posted December 30, 2005 Report Share Posted December 30, 2005 Chuck Norris. That list is hilarious Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COZWV Posted October 31, 2006 Report Share Posted October 31, 2006 I have been laughing so hard I have tears at some of those. A couple of my favorites: 44. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian. 45. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Damn, I love these Chuck Norris jokes. I bet he really gets a kick out of these. (NPI) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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