a-blur-by-you Posted May 24, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 all you guys deserve a very special thanks from me in the hardest of times. I will read this post daily to keep my head up for sure. SS boon SS was right "I am somebody, nobody deserves to be left without a word". I still haven't had any contact with her....a sad high schoolish way of doing things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misterp Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Well you don't have to be like her. Call me an Eagle Scout but a good rule of thumb is to assertively take care of your business in an up-front and above-board manner, starting today (if you haven't already). I will repost some advice I was given years ago, by my ex-father-in-law (just love the man). At the time I could not deal with a personal situation in confronting my father on an issue, and my FIL and I were talking about bravery. Now it is important to know this man, my ex-FIL, he was career marine special forces serving three tours in vietnam, and has participated in more honest hell than any person should be allowed to ever know. At first glance he is the most kind-hearted and gentile man you've ever met; manages a body shop for a living, has his Harley touring bike, is equally amazing with both a paint gun and a kitchen stove (he's also a chef) - point is that you would never know the man is capable of taking another life in an instant and knows more about character than a lot of us ever will. Anyway, on with the story - I was completely broke down at the time and he told me, "you need a little Marine psychology; right now is not the time to be stuck worrying or scared or upset or grieving or whatever, because you are frozen in the middle of the battle and that is going to get you killed. You've got to keep making forward progress. You've got to pick-up one foot and put it in front of the other and keep moving, because there are more pressing, immediate objectives that have got to be achieved than taking a moment to grieve over your losses. I am not saying to ignore or suppress what you see or feel, but you've got to keep pressing onward until what's necessary has been accomplished and you have reached safety. After that, then you can take whatever time you need to put things into proper perspective but until then you've GOT to keep moving." I've found lots of insights in that one thought. Mr. P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurbochargedBerserker Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 That's good marine-advice Steve! Keep moving and let time do it's thing. I also agree, Greg, that now is the time to protect yourself -- change your locks, cancel your cc's, etc. We're here for you man -- just give a shout when you need something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drako Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Mr.P is a endless wealth of good advice! we are here for you man. im very young although i have seen my share of rough times. everyone is sharing there messed up stories; so i might as well share mine. i have been dating my highschool sweetheart for almost a year. Her mom and I were beginning to clash however, i had pretty much everyone else loving me. (her mom was O.C.D. and bi-polar NOT A GOOD MIX) anyways so im invited to go to spend christmas and new years in spain, meanwhile her mother had invited a old family friend (she was born in jersey and moved down the year earlier) to the house while i was gone. i was very much in love with this girl so i thought nothing of it. i hada great time in spain, and while i was gone she started to get close to the guy. i would go more in depth but all in all when i got back she started two timing me with a 30 year old millionaire trust fund baby. we broke up and it was horrible im not proud to admit it but i was crying like a baby. depressed for a couple of months. it was a lot of back and forth and eventually i was cut loose. anyways she had her fun while i was recovering. when she realized that she was over and done with this guy she wanted me back. however i just told her straight up, that what we had had expired and i have nothing more to say to you. im actually friends with her now (its been about three years) and to this day i know have the reason she keeps in contact with me is to try and get back with me. oh yeah almost forgot....while i was dating her my best friend all through higfhschool was also dating her best friend. they got into a fight and they stopped talking....as my best friend and i did as well. we both were dumped along the same time and we became best firends again and are best friends to this day and will be for a while. he was also the one who introduced me to the SSS sooooo i had a lot to learn from that relationship and a lot to thank for at the dissolution of it. but i dont really get mad at her (i think that was the best part of it) i didnt curse her out or call her a whore and i think that is what has kept me civil. i learned that you shouldnt curse something that once made you smile but just take everything as a learning experience. so keep your head up. stay organized and even though you think its horrible something good will come out of it. and you have a friend in me, and in all of us from what ive been reading Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bennytheflash Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 (edited) Ive been through a long tough divorce, one thing that my lawyer told me that 75% of all couples end up reconciling (sp?) the first go round. I reconciled and got back together, but in the long run I should have gone through with the divorce the first time and got it over with, it just didnt work the second time. Nothing ever goes back to the way it was. Good luck and remember we are always here for you. Edited May 24, 2006 by bennytheflash (see edit history) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RevolutionRaceWorks Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 Great advice from P. This couldn't hit closer to home for me my mom just left my dad after nearly 30 years just pretty much woke up one day and said see you later. Today. Ironically enough after seeing this thread.. at 9 am the divoirce was finalised. They were married 28 years together for 31. Her divorced friends defintely pushed her right out the door I know that for a fact. Keep your head up brother. I am doing what I can to try and keep my dad on task and out of the slump. So I know where you are at. As far as the hood goes I am defintely intrested. I just have to get back from NY this weekend and see what kind of green I have when I return. Please drop me a PM if you end up selling it otherwise I am going to try and start putting some cash on the side here for it. Keep your head high. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BILLS04SS Posted May 24, 2006 Report Share Posted May 24, 2006 I'm also very sorry for your troubles.. I went through one divorce already myself. I won't get into a lot of details but I will say that in the end it was a relief to get over it. It will take time, but after you have had time to reflect you will feel much better. In fact, you will see things that occurred in the relationship that you would have never scene as you have time to reflect. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. One partner alone can't do it. Hang your head high, be positive, and lean on your friends. We're all hear to lend a keyboard or even a phone call. Good luck and hang tough sorry for the ramble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a-blur-by-you Posted May 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Yet another day has passed and have not heard from her. I think when you mix your feelings and desires together that what makes it the hardest. None of the above is a necessity to go on with life. I have had so many men and women tell me happiness for you will not be hard to find because of the qualities I have as a person. I think my problem is I am too nice and because my heart hurts I would almost do anything to get my wife back. I look at it all though and have figured out that what I had wanted out of the marriage was nothing more that normal affectionate and loving things from her. I do feel that is not something I should ask for, it needs to come from her. I can say though she still has a place in my heart and the door is open for her to our home but that door and my heart cannot wait for an extended period of time. We were seperated before for 5 long months and I cannot do it again, not that long. I begged and crawled last time because I took so much for granted. She now is doing that without a doubt and I know karma plays a huge role in your feelings and thoughts when it hits you. I think she will get hers in due time. She needs to understand noone deserves to be left out in the cold like this with no reasons. A friend told me this morning "it's almost like if she was missing or just dissapeared and you have no clue if she is alive or not" That is the sort of "limbo" feeling I have..........I just want closure one way or the other. Thank you so much for you kind words and the pm's I have recieved on the subject. I come to you all everyday for strength. Greg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drako Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 you get your head on the right shoulders man! one thing you do need is closure but it will come in time. and karma is very much real. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TurbochargedBerserker Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 Hey Greg, What you are feeling is an absolutely normal, and expected part of grief. Right now, I think you are looking at your pain and looking for a way to make that pain disappear, which may *seem* like would happen if your wife just came back to you right now and you pretend like none of this happened. The only trouble with that, brother, is that it's a lie. My strong advice is that you do NOT let her back not matter how much talk she throws your way, without a period in which she proves by her actions that things have changed in her. Greg, you don't deserve to be treated in this way (no one does, except possibly abusers). Here's my time to give you some "ex's father" advice (mine best advice came from my first love's fater): If someone is going to treat you this way, they flat out don't deserve you. Further, you don't deserve them either, you deserve better. That woman you want is out there. She's probably not your wife (at least not at this time), or you wouldn't be in this situation. I'm sorry if that sounds hard, but I've been where you are at, and I know you need to hear the truth. I know how much it hurts to be left completely in the dark, and how much "just knowing something" can become and obession, but her lack of saying anything or communicating, is in itself a message. It tells you that she is not quite the person you believed her to be, and that quite possibly she doesn't deserve your love and loyalty. You can always call her parents and just ask them to confirm that she's there and ok. I wouldn't ask to talk to her or push getting "answers" however. Just be polite and together. So what happens next? You can cry and pine for her and be miserable waiting for her to come back, OR you can cry and grieve and choose to end this on your terms: be it via reconcilation and counseling or by ending the relationship. You may think that she's the one in control, but that's always an illusion. You are still in control of what happens on your end, brother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
misterp Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 ...I think when you mix your feelings and desires together that what makes it the hardest. None of the above is a necessity to go on with life. Bullshit. Passion matters, it's a key essential to life. Question: why do you have shaved door handles on your truck, and why did you buy a carbon fiber hood? Answer: because you have dreams, and a clear vision in your head of what you want. Having definite dreams and visions is normal and a sign of a healthy mind, it's when one is without a firm eye on any target that that you begin 'wandering' through a mental and emotional morass. I am going to boil down what you have expressed here into its most simple terms - you are questioning your own sanity. And there is no problem with doing so, personally I encourage it of myself and my kids as doing so in a disciplined way gets you thinking outside the box, but do realize that is what you are doing. "Am I right?" "Am I wrong?" "Am I truly ****ed-up?" "Do I really understand how the world works?" "Am I just missing something here?" these are all signs that you are re-evaluating your grip on basic reality, questioning to what degree you are sane or not on a particular topic. You've got to be careful and keep what others tell you in perspective. Example from what you wrote "...happiness for you will not be hard to find because..." - obviously it is not that easy or else you (and thousands like you) would be happy. But a statement like this from well-meaning others plants that seed in your mind which makes you wonder if your grip on reality is correct or not. So take a comment like this as a uplifting compliment from your friends/family (you are a good guy) and leave it at that, don't try to take any more insight from it. The formula to success is simple. You come up with a dream, one you can picture in your mind, one you can almost taste. Then you figure out what it will cost to reach it (in time, money, sweat, dedication, whatever) and you pay that cost. And when you determine that you are not achieving your dreams then you step back, re-evaluate, get real useable suggestions from genuinely qualified people, make changes, and continue. Point #1 being, never give up your passions and dreams, you need them; they are a healthy and important part of your emotional well being. There's nothing wrong with you there Point #2: There's a difference between "nice" and "naive", believe me I know. You need to stay nice (I assume you like yourself that way) just not naive. Who do you think you are, Superman? In crawling back to her do you really believe that you can ever hold a relationship together by yourself? I lived the same way for a while, you would not believe the things I did for my now-ex under the idea that you should selflessly give everything to the one you love, and just like your situation it was far less than win-win, and certainly not sustainable. Mr. P. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a-blur-by-you Posted May 25, 2006 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 ...I think when you mix your feelings and desires together that what makes it the hardest. None of the above is a necessity to go on with life. Bullshit. Passion matters, it's a key essential to life. Question: why do you have shaved door handles on your truck, and why did you buy a carbon fiber hood? Answer: because you have dreams, and a clear vision in your head of what you want. Having definite dreams and visions is normal and a sign of a healthy mind, it's when one is without a firm eye on any target that that you begin 'wandering' through a mental and emotional morass. I am going to boil down what you have expressed here into its most simple terms - you are questioning your own sanity. And there is no problem with doing so, personally I encourage it of myself and my kids as doing so in a disciplined way gets you thinking outside the box, but do realize that is what you are doing. "Am I right?" "Am I wrong?" "Am I truly ****ed-up?" "Do I really understand how the world works?" "Am I just missing something here?" these are all signs that you are re-evaluating your grip on basic reality, questioning to what degree you are sane or not on a particular topic. You've got to be careful and keep what others tell you in perspective. Example from what you wrote "...happiness for you will not be hard to find because..." - obviously it is not that easy or else you (and thousands like you) would be happy. But a statement like this from well-meaning others plants that seed in your mind which makes you wonder if your grip on reality is correct or not. So take a comment like this as a uplifting compliment from your friends/family (you are a good guy) and leave it at that, don't try to take any more insight from it. The formula to success is simple. You come up with a dream, one you can picture in your mind, one you can almost taste. Then you figure out what it will cost to reach it (in time, money, sweat, dedication, whatever) and you pay that cost. And when you determine that you are not achieving your dreams then you step back, re-evaluate, get real useable suggestions from genuinely qualified people, make changes, and continue. Point #1 being, never give up your passions and dreams, you need them; they are a healthy and important part of your emotional well being. There's nothing wrong with you there Point #2: There's a difference between "nice" and "naive", believe me I know. You need to stay nice (I assume you like yourself that way) just not naive. Who do you think you are, Superman? In crawling back to her do you really believe that you can ever hold a relationship together by yourself? I lived the same way for a while, you would not believe the things I did for my now-ex under the idea that you should selflessly give everything to the one you love, and just like your situation it was far less than win-win, and certainly not sustainable. Mr. P. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Steve, I think what I mean with that quote said was that yes they are a neccessity in life but to hold that over my head for just one person isn't neccessary. I can see the BS involved with that quote because you are right feelings and desires is what makes a person. I just can't keep feeling the desires for my wife that I have if I want to move on. I guess thats what I wanted to say.......Man I am beat up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FwyFlyr Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 I hate it when that happens. It's just another of the dreaded "Life Lessons" that you'll look back on and realize you're probably better off without her. When you look back on it years from now you'll realize there were signs and you probably knew it was coming. She is ashamed of her behavior and that's why she did'nt face you with what she had planned before she took off. She'll have to face that someday. Karma In my case it was the divorced friends telling her how great it was to run around like a teenager without the rules. Let Her go.....She will come back on her own if it is meant to be, but don't wait for it to happen because it may not. It took me a couple years to get over it but we have 2 girls. That was 1989. Today she is remarried as am I and she is still an unhappy person. I am sooo happy I did'nt get back with her. Try thinking about it this way, Today you are very unhappy. It is a direct result of how she has treated you. I know it's easy to say that but who wants to be emotionally abused. That's what it is....Bottom line. Watch out...If she knows you'll do anything to get her back, she will take total advantage of you and lead you on and on and on until you stop it. I totally agree that you have to treat it like a business now. Cut your losses. Nobody ever said life was fair. You gotta look out for #1, and that's you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brandon27 Posted May 25, 2006 Report Share Posted May 25, 2006 We all go through these life tribulations. It makes us better people in the long run. It is god's way of teaching us lessons. I had a long relationship end because I got lazy in the relationship. After I healed emotionally I knew that I had some changing to do. Now I am happily married and stronger for it. Keep your head up and take what has happened to make you a better/stronger person. Don't give anyone the power to make or break you. good luck Brandon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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